As of today, I've been homeless for a bit over two and a half years.
Right after becoming homeless, I tried to stay with friends. But that never seemed to be a comfortable situation for me. Such friends did not understand how I became homeless, so my relationship with such friends was often fractured, I'm sad to say. Such friends also included former lovers. No situation staying with such friends ever worked. My stay with such friends was often brief, and unpleasant for me.
So, I began staying at a homeless shelter.- specifically, a shelter contracted by the veterans administration because, by definition, I am a homeless veteran. This meant I was living with several other people, at the same location. It's community living, and this is something I had not experienced since my days in the military.
For the past several months, I've been staying at a Salvation Army. The VA contracted a floor at this salvation army for homeless veterans who are recovering drug addicts. In addition to being homeless, I am also a recovering drug addict. This floor holds about 40 homeless veterans. It is a comfortable place to stay. At this location, the homeless veterans have three TVs, four refrigerators, two microwaves, two phones, and two computers.
In addition to the salvation army providing meals for us, we as homeless veterans also often have food stamps. We would often buy additional food for us to have where we lived, to supplement the meals provided to us where we stayed, with these food stamps. So, with many homeless veterans at this location, obesity was a problem.
This obesity experienced by many other veterans staying with me at the salvation army was not only due to the additional food available to these now overweight homeless veterans, but also due to the medication these veterans would often take, as prescribed to them by their VA psychiatrists, often. Such medications would often cause them to gain weight.
Many veterans I stay with at this salvation army were trying to get disability benefits, for mental illnesses. So, they would be diagnosed with various mental health disease states by their VA psychiatrists, and take these often toxic mediations, as prescribed to them. Whether or not such veterans actually had such mental illnesses is a topic of debate. Regardless, because they wanted mental health disability benefits, they would be diagnosed with a variety of mental health illnesses, and take often many drugs for these illnesses.
Usually, the TVs at the salvation army where we stayed were designated for specific reasons, by the veterans. One TV would be for those who wish to watch sports. Another TV would be dedicated to those veterans who wished to watch the news or TV shows. And another TV would be dedicated for those who wish to watch movies.
Often, the homeless veterans would get bootleg DVD movies. These would be movies currently playing in theatres would be acquired by some veterans, on DVD disks. Don't ask me how certain veterans acquired these movies, but it was nice watching current movies, where I stayed.
Myself, I never watched much TV, so I was on the computers at this location often. Many I stayed with at this salvation army were not very literate, so they did not utilize the computers available to us, at the salvation army. During the long days at the salvation army, I would look for jobs on these computers, and often help many other homeless veterans write whatever they may want written. This would include letters such veterans wanted to receive additional VA benefits, cover letters they wanted me to create for certain jobs they wanted, or letters to lawyers, often. I did not mind helping my fellow veterans, in this way.
Most homeless people, including homeless veterans, smoke. We call cigarettes squares, and acquiring cigarettes is often a main goal for us smokers, since most of us do not have any money on us at all. As a general rule, I'll ask for cigarettes from those homeless veterans who do have some sort of income, and smoke. And, if I happen to get some money and have cigarettes, I'll share these cigarettes with others. I've been known to find cigarette butts on the ground, and smoke those.
Making money as a homeless person is often difficult, because we, as homeless people, are often unemployable for a variety of reasons. Any money I've made as a homeless person has been untraceable, which is money paid to me under the table. Such jobs may include cleaning an athletic stadium. Or helping a political candidate get elected.
Such opportunities to work are rare, I'm sorry to say. With whatever money I may make doing such jobs, I often buy cigarettes, and cards and stamps, to write my girlfriend and daughter. Other homeless people use such small amounts of money to buy alcohol or other often illegal drugs. I choose to remain free from such substances, myself.
Many I stayed with at this salvation army were African American people. This was not a concern with me, because historically, I've gotten along with a wide variety of people, of different races. Most of these men I stayed with at this salvation army accepted me living with them there. I became friends with a few of these African American men. Some, however, seemed to dislike me due to my race. I understand this, in a way, especially with some of the older African American men I stay with, at this location. I imagine they were not treated so well, by those of my race, especially in their youth.
Many homeless veterans I stayed with at this salvation army spent a great deal of their lives incarcerated, often for drug offenses. By the way, if you are incarcerated for a felony drug offense, you do not receive food stamps. I still do not understand why those trying to recover are not entitled to food stamps.
With those imprisoned often for long periods of time especially, it appears this as a negative effect on their social functioning, I believe. Many former inmates do not trust others, easily. In time, such ex convicts learned to trust me. But initially, such people did not trust me or any others at all, at the salvation army. This is understandable, considering living often for years behind bars, with I imagine some very mean and evil people.
Some I stay with at the salvation army who have been locked up also seem to be very impatient, with a few having clear anger issues. Others talk all the time, and they are very loud. And then there are others who barely talk at all. They keep to themselves, always, those who rarely speak. Personally, I don't think isolation is very healthy for anyone.
However, and often, such ex convicts that I stayed with at this salvation army were very intelligent and kind people. Many ex convicts who are now my room mates were helpful to me, and I became friends with them, where we stayed. They fully realize, as I do, how they fucked up their lives in the past, and are, as I am, trying to improve their lives today.
I find some men I stay with to be very unique and amazing people. Some have a few college degrees, with one I know having a PhD. How they ended up here with me remains a mystery. Often, we as homeless people do not discuss how we actually became homelesss with other homeless people. Often, it takes just one event to make a person homeless. And for those of us who are homeless now who actually use to have many tangible possessions, it is in fact a very short distance from the limosuine to the ditch.
It is my belief that people are people. They are not black or white, nor are they free or imprisoned. Rather, they are human, and I treat them as such. I, as with may others I stayed with at this salvation army, do not judge others based on their past, because I was not them in their past, and I do not know the path they have walked, in their past. We are just trying to get back on our feet, in some way, after losing everything we may have had, often.
Each of us are on our own unique journey in life. Myself, I try and facilitate the journey of another whenever I'm allowed to do so, by such an individual. It is my belief that we are all in this thing we call life, together.
A blog dedicated to my fiancee, Carol.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Pen Pals
In August of 2009, my wife of 20 years filed false claims against me of violently abusing her one unforgettable day that month.
The restraining order insanely issued against me due to these false claims remains in effect to this day, and likely will for quite some time. I remain homeless and unemployed due to this viscious act committed by my former spouse.
Molly, my now ex wife, did this in order to acquire a tactical advantage in a divorce she clearly wants that I was completely unaware of until she filed this retraining order against me that prevents me from having any contact whatsoever with my daughter as well, whose name is Hayley. The pain from this particular strike against me is indescribable.
My wife told her free army of legal professionals that she suspects that child abuse was happening by me against Hayley. This particular claim is far more absurd than the abuse claims Molly made about me, which included a claim by Molly that I tried to kill her one night.
So of course, I ended up in jail in the first time of my 43 years soon after these false allegations were made against me by Molly.
The second night I was in jail, I decided to write Hayley a letter.
Now, writing Hayley fractures the restraining order falsely issued against me, since this is contacting Hayley in this manner. But since I was already in jail, I really was not concerned about breaking this abusive enforcement of psychotic laws now against me.
As I wrote her that night, I was not the fun dad I usually am with Hayley due to my state of mind. However, I never wrote anything to Hayley indicating hatred or anger towards her mother, Molly. Nor did I, in my words to Hayley, debate her mother's false accusations against me.
My undergrad is in child psychology, and I learned with my education that it is never a good idea to attack a parent in any way during a split of the parents, which is what is happening with our family right now. So I wrote to Hayley that I will always love her mother because her mother gave Hayley to me almost 12 years ago. This is the woman who put me in jail.
I also wrote to Hayley that the destruction happening to our family right now is difficult to understand for both of us, but we should try and grasp this situation together in time. I told Hayley with my writing to her that I loved and missed her, and that I hoped she would write me back soon.
I mailed this letter to her grandparent's house. These are Molly's parents, and are very wonderful people who have been married for more than 60 years. They understand the importance of a father in a child's life.
I only mailed this letter to Hayley after trading my breakfast the next day in order to get a stamped envelope from another inmate.
Hayley wrote me back soon afterwards, and I was thrilled beyond belief. Yet her letter understandably was cautious. She shared a bit with me about school and her friends. What really got me was the end of her letter to me:
P.S. Daddy- everything is going to be OK, no matter what....
I cried when I read this from her. She understands more than I fully realize about my own frame of mind, and what is happening to our family right now. I shed tears as I recall this that she wrote. She wrecked her father, and this is not the first time.
So my next letter to Hayley was much more jovial than my initial letter to her:
Dear Hayley....Hey, guess what? We are pen pals now.....YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
Then I went on to tell her how cool she is. I discussed what she wanted to be for halloween. I effortlessly made her laugh what I wrote to her in this letter. The words I shared with Hayley came from my heart.
Her next letter to me was much more upbeat. She was thrilled that we were pen pals now. She expressed clearly how happy she was that she was getting mail from her daddy now. This made me comforted greatly. I was at peace with her emotional and mental state now.
The next letter composed by me to Hayley was apparently as enjoyable to her as she read this. The letter included beautiful drawings from Tommy, my cell mate in jail. Hayley put the drawings by Tommy that I mailed to her on her school locker walls, she told me in her writing to me afterwards.
Tommy, my cell mate artist during that time, is a 22 year old homeless guy who was in jail for assault on another adult. He had been homeless for much of his life. And Tommy did have anger issues.
It took me about 2 weeks to gain his trust. Once this happened, I discussed with Tommy more benign outlets for his anger urges, and the importance of thinking before acting. Tommy also has done illegal drugs, so we discussed the impact of such drugs on his health and behavior.
I'm in jail with Tommy due to accusations that I'm a violent person- accusations against my wife from my wife. Yet I'm doing anger management with guys like Tommy.
Irony and surrealism were banging on my cell door with this reality at the time.
My family is destroyed. My family is gone. I have to learn to live with this. Yet this dialogue with Hayley is a very positive element to what is happening to our family. I was able to achieve and create joy simply by establishing a pen pal relationship with Hayley.
It has been said that great humor has an apex of great pain. I understand this more clearly now.
As I was released from jail, I was told never to write my daughter again. This violates the restraining order, the judge told me. I'm still in shock by this order to me by the judge via my wife's free prosecutor. I create joy in the middle of great pain, and I'm told to discontinue creating such joy.
It's now been almost two years since I was wrongfully incarcerated.
All tangible assets I did have were acquired and often sold by my now ex wife. Personal items of great value to me are now gone, due to my ex wife. Everything is just gone.
I remain homeless and unfortuantely unemployed.
For over two years, after my ex wife did this to me, I hand wrote my daughter at least once a week, and sent her money, when I could. Rarely did she ever write me back, but I still continued to write her. Presently, my daughter has a lot of hatred and anger towards me, and does not want to hear from me at all.
Because this family law system that exists unfortuantely worldwide is unacceptable. I'm was essentially punished for loving my daughter. I'm was and am punished for assuring the well being of my daughter Hayley mentally and emotionally.
These are the laws that exist in our country, and they must be discontinued.
The restraining order insanely issued against me due to these false claims remains in effect to this day, and likely will for quite some time. I remain homeless and unemployed due to this viscious act committed by my former spouse.
Molly, my now ex wife, did this in order to acquire a tactical advantage in a divorce she clearly wants that I was completely unaware of until she filed this retraining order against me that prevents me from having any contact whatsoever with my daughter as well, whose name is Hayley. The pain from this particular strike against me is indescribable.
My wife told her free army of legal professionals that she suspects that child abuse was happening by me against Hayley. This particular claim is far more absurd than the abuse claims Molly made about me, which included a claim by Molly that I tried to kill her one night.
So of course, I ended up in jail in the first time of my 43 years soon after these false allegations were made against me by Molly.
The second night I was in jail, I decided to write Hayley a letter.
Now, writing Hayley fractures the restraining order falsely issued against me, since this is contacting Hayley in this manner. But since I was already in jail, I really was not concerned about breaking this abusive enforcement of psychotic laws now against me.
As I wrote her that night, I was not the fun dad I usually am with Hayley due to my state of mind. However, I never wrote anything to Hayley indicating hatred or anger towards her mother, Molly. Nor did I, in my words to Hayley, debate her mother's false accusations against me.
My undergrad is in child psychology, and I learned with my education that it is never a good idea to attack a parent in any way during a split of the parents, which is what is happening with our family right now. So I wrote to Hayley that I will always love her mother because her mother gave Hayley to me almost 12 years ago. This is the woman who put me in jail.
I also wrote to Hayley that the destruction happening to our family right now is difficult to understand for both of us, but we should try and grasp this situation together in time. I told Hayley with my writing to her that I loved and missed her, and that I hoped she would write me back soon.
I mailed this letter to her grandparent's house. These are Molly's parents, and are very wonderful people who have been married for more than 60 years. They understand the importance of a father in a child's life.
I only mailed this letter to Hayley after trading my breakfast the next day in order to get a stamped envelope from another inmate.
Hayley wrote me back soon afterwards, and I was thrilled beyond belief. Yet her letter understandably was cautious. She shared a bit with me about school and her friends. What really got me was the end of her letter to me:
P.S. Daddy- everything is going to be OK, no matter what....
I cried when I read this from her. She understands more than I fully realize about my own frame of mind, and what is happening to our family right now. I shed tears as I recall this that she wrote. She wrecked her father, and this is not the first time.
So my next letter to Hayley was much more jovial than my initial letter to her:
Dear Hayley....Hey, guess what? We are pen pals now.....YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
Then I went on to tell her how cool she is. I discussed what she wanted to be for halloween. I effortlessly made her laugh what I wrote to her in this letter. The words I shared with Hayley came from my heart.
Her next letter to me was much more upbeat. She was thrilled that we were pen pals now. She expressed clearly how happy she was that she was getting mail from her daddy now. This made me comforted greatly. I was at peace with her emotional and mental state now.
The next letter composed by me to Hayley was apparently as enjoyable to her as she read this. The letter included beautiful drawings from Tommy, my cell mate in jail. Hayley put the drawings by Tommy that I mailed to her on her school locker walls, she told me in her writing to me afterwards.
Tommy, my cell mate artist during that time, is a 22 year old homeless guy who was in jail for assault on another adult. He had been homeless for much of his life. And Tommy did have anger issues.
It took me about 2 weeks to gain his trust. Once this happened, I discussed with Tommy more benign outlets for his anger urges, and the importance of thinking before acting. Tommy also has done illegal drugs, so we discussed the impact of such drugs on his health and behavior.
I'm in jail with Tommy due to accusations that I'm a violent person- accusations against my wife from my wife. Yet I'm doing anger management with guys like Tommy.
Irony and surrealism were banging on my cell door with this reality at the time.
My family is destroyed. My family is gone. I have to learn to live with this. Yet this dialogue with Hayley is a very positive element to what is happening to our family. I was able to achieve and create joy simply by establishing a pen pal relationship with Hayley.
It has been said that great humor has an apex of great pain. I understand this more clearly now.
As I was released from jail, I was told never to write my daughter again. This violates the restraining order, the judge told me. I'm still in shock by this order to me by the judge via my wife's free prosecutor. I create joy in the middle of great pain, and I'm told to discontinue creating such joy.
It's now been almost two years since I was wrongfully incarcerated.
All tangible assets I did have were acquired and often sold by my now ex wife. Personal items of great value to me are now gone, due to my ex wife. Everything is just gone.
I remain homeless and unfortuantely unemployed.
For over two years, after my ex wife did this to me, I hand wrote my daughter at least once a week, and sent her money, when I could. Rarely did she ever write me back, but I still continued to write her. Presently, my daughter has a lot of hatred and anger towards me, and does not want to hear from me at all.
Because this family law system that exists unfortuantely worldwide is unacceptable. I'm was essentially punished for loving my daughter. I'm was and am punished for assuring the well being of my daughter Hayley mentally and emotionally.
These are the laws that exist in our country, and they must be discontinued.
Friday, March 2, 2012
My New And Final Life Partner, I Met Online
Social network sites can bring people together, who likely would have normally not met. Often, these relationships can be meaningful, and beneficial for those who form such relationships. Some of these relationships can and do become intimate. Marriages can happen, from two people meeting on a social networking site such as Facebook.
Last year, I began a conversation with a girl I had never actually spoken with on the facebook site. We ended up chatting to each other either on this site or speaking on the phone in these past few months- daily, and often. By sharing words with each other, a solid trust has formed between us, that continues to this day.
A few months ago, this girl and I actually met, and we spent the weekend together. She drove a few hundred miles, to finally meet me. This was quite brave of her, considering I could of been a guy who would have harmed her, in some way. That is a risk we take, forming intimate relationships on social networking sites.
This weekend we spent together a few months ago ended up being one of the best weekends she and I had ever experienced, in our lives. We talked. We laughed. We made love. For 48 hours, we became one, this girl and I, during our weekend together, a few months ago.
I’m now in love, and we are engaged to be married, this girl and I.
Online relationships can work. These days, it’s often the only suitable method for seeking a life partner, or finding a life partner by chance, as she and I did. Myself, I live in a bad part of the city, so seeking a potentially intimate and meaningful relationship with a woman presently is very difficult, if not impossible.
With Carol, who is with me on pictures I’ve posted on facebook, I met her again on Facebook, and we started exchanging messages with each other for hours each day.
It’s necessary for both people to have some courage in order to progress with the relationship you intend to have, and hope for, on a social networking site. She was immediately open and honest with me, as I am with her still. We have enjoyed our words to each other, since day one.
Also, it’s necessary for each person to have some degree of faith, and to be largely absent of any cynicism and pessimism regarding any intimate relationship that may form. Carol and I both had very long marriages before we met, with people clearly not suitable for us, as individuals.
Any bitterness, regret, anger, or anxiety we had relating to our past relationships with intimate partners, we keep out of our own relationship, and this continues to this day.
Each person involved in an intimate relationship that may form on a social networking site must not have any paranoia about meeting a stranger in such a way. Again, we finally met a few months ago, Carol and I. And the weekend we spent together was entirely flawless, we feel. We have no fear or reservations about each other.
It helps if both people are extroverts, as she and I are, when forming an intimate relationship on a social networking site. This comfort we had and have towards each other is nothing like anything I had ever experienced in the past, with any other relationship I’ve had with anyone.
Because, like Carol, I began my relationship with her, free of any reservations about meeting a stranger. Also since day one, I do not judge Carol in any way, and she does not judge me. We simply enjoy each other, in a variety of ways.
We both have a very high degree of comfort with each other, due in large part to trusting each other. We made love almost immediately during our first weekend together, but the weekend was not about sex, a few months ago. The weekend was about enjoying each other’s company in person. She and I longed for this for months, before we actually met.
We spend most of our time together talking to each other, and laughing together, during this first weekend together. We were ourselves with each other during our weekend together, and it worked. We did not need to put on a different mask from who we really are, with each other.
I actually did propose to her, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. I did this in less than 24 hours of actually meeting Carol.
That is how strong our feelings are for each other, in such a short period of time. Since we are both homeless right now, getting married any time soon will not happen.
Carol and I are about the same age, and both of us recently had our lives completely wrecked, which is why we are homeless. But, faith and hope is allowing us to continue with our relationship.
Our relationship is as real and powerful as any intimate relationship formed in traditional manners, such as meeting at a church or some other live social function. Or two people being introduced by family members or friends, possibly. Our union was born out of the exchange of words to each other, which is really all that matters.
Our physical attractiveness to each other helped facilitate our interest in each other, but the words we share with each other solidified the intensity of how we feel about each other. We will get married someday, and I do in fact love this girl as I have loved no other before her.
Today, I have moved closer to where Carol lives. I now see her live at least once a week. When I do see her in person, we, as we did our first weekend together, talk and laugh for hours. We still chat on facebook daily, and often. Be we are now very happy that our intimacy is more real, now that I live closer to her. We have hope, and that is always a good thing.
Last year, I began a conversation with a girl I had never actually spoken with on the facebook site. We ended up chatting to each other either on this site or speaking on the phone in these past few months- daily, and often. By sharing words with each other, a solid trust has formed between us, that continues to this day.
A few months ago, this girl and I actually met, and we spent the weekend together. She drove a few hundred miles, to finally meet me. This was quite brave of her, considering I could of been a guy who would have harmed her, in some way. That is a risk we take, forming intimate relationships on social networking sites.
This weekend we spent together a few months ago ended up being one of the best weekends she and I had ever experienced, in our lives. We talked. We laughed. We made love. For 48 hours, we became one, this girl and I, during our weekend together, a few months ago.
I’m now in love, and we are engaged to be married, this girl and I.
Online relationships can work. These days, it’s often the only suitable method for seeking a life partner, or finding a life partner by chance, as she and I did. Myself, I live in a bad part of the city, so seeking a potentially intimate and meaningful relationship with a woman presently is very difficult, if not impossible.
With Carol, who is with me on pictures I’ve posted on facebook, I met her again on Facebook, and we started exchanging messages with each other for hours each day.
It’s necessary for both people to have some courage in order to progress with the relationship you intend to have, and hope for, on a social networking site. She was immediately open and honest with me, as I am with her still. We have enjoyed our words to each other, since day one.
Also, it’s necessary for each person to have some degree of faith, and to be largely absent of any cynicism and pessimism regarding any intimate relationship that may form. Carol and I both had very long marriages before we met, with people clearly not suitable for us, as individuals.
Any bitterness, regret, anger, or anxiety we had relating to our past relationships with intimate partners, we keep out of our own relationship, and this continues to this day.
Each person involved in an intimate relationship that may form on a social networking site must not have any paranoia about meeting a stranger in such a way. Again, we finally met a few months ago, Carol and I. And the weekend we spent together was entirely flawless, we feel. We have no fear or reservations about each other.
It helps if both people are extroverts, as she and I are, when forming an intimate relationship on a social networking site. This comfort we had and have towards each other is nothing like anything I had ever experienced in the past, with any other relationship I’ve had with anyone.
Because, like Carol, I began my relationship with her, free of any reservations about meeting a stranger. Also since day one, I do not judge Carol in any way, and she does not judge me. We simply enjoy each other, in a variety of ways.
We both have a very high degree of comfort with each other, due in large part to trusting each other. We made love almost immediately during our first weekend together, but the weekend was not about sex, a few months ago. The weekend was about enjoying each other’s company in person. She and I longed for this for months, before we actually met.
We spend most of our time together talking to each other, and laughing together, during this first weekend together. We were ourselves with each other during our weekend together, and it worked. We did not need to put on a different mask from who we really are, with each other.
I actually did propose to her, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. I did this in less than 24 hours of actually meeting Carol.
That is how strong our feelings are for each other, in such a short period of time. Since we are both homeless right now, getting married any time soon will not happen.
Carol and I are about the same age, and both of us recently had our lives completely wrecked, which is why we are homeless. But, faith and hope is allowing us to continue with our relationship.
Our relationship is as real and powerful as any intimate relationship formed in traditional manners, such as meeting at a church or some other live social function. Or two people being introduced by family members or friends, possibly. Our union was born out of the exchange of words to each other, which is really all that matters.
Our physical attractiveness to each other helped facilitate our interest in each other, but the words we share with each other solidified the intensity of how we feel about each other. We will get married someday, and I do in fact love this girl as I have loved no other before her.
Today, I have moved closer to where Carol lives. I now see her live at least once a week. When I do see her in person, we, as we did our first weekend together, talk and laugh for hours. We still chat on facebook daily, and often. Be we are now very happy that our intimacy is more real, now that I live closer to her. We have hope, and that is always a good thing.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Hitting Bottom- A Story Of Hope And Recovery
Last year, I was living with a friend in Indiana, as I continued to be broke and homeless.
I met this friend I stayed with in Indiana online, and he asked me to move up there with him, which I did in April, with a girl I met while living in Atlanta, who is homeless herself.
There is not much to do in rural Indiana, so I went to the library a lot, and wrote.
In July of last year, while living with this friend, I got a bunch of money, due to my father dying, and leaving me a life insurance policy for me, and it was over 11 thousand dollars.
To a homeless person, as I have been for over two years now, money like what I received is like a million dollars, at least. So, I bought a beat up truck that month, and drove back home to Missouri, after giving some money to my friends I stayed with in Indiana.
I had stayed with my friend in Indiana for three months, and helped him on his farm. I was ready to leave, and now was able to do so, with all this money I now had.
My life got crushed back home in Missouri. I had to move back there, to try and mend incredible damage done, due to the actions of my ex wife, combined with my own drug addiction, at the time my life was liquified, in the summer of 2009.
I went to drug rehab, soon after this happened to me in 2009, and I remain clean to this day.
Once I arrived back home, I sent a message to members of my own family, and family members of my ex wife, expressing my desire to mend relationships with those I love the most in life.
My own family members helped my ex wife destroy me after she initiated her attack on me, by the way.
I was never close with my family members due in part to child abuse I experienced, by certain family members, that was quite bad, and lasted for many years. I did forgive these family members, for helping my ex wife rid me of all assets I had, but they still choose not to speak with me, or help me in any way.
The next day, after sending this message to those I've cared about the most in life, they had me followed somehow, I believe, and I was arrested at a library, for an outstanding warrant, for violating probation in 2009. In 2009, I violated a restraining order issued against me by my ex wife, upon recommendation by a girl friend of hers, I believe, and was thrown in jail then, for the first time in my life.
I violated the restraining order by getting a pair of dress shoes from the back of my SUV, that my wife was now driving. She was not near the vehicle, yet this still violated the restraining order against me.
Most if not all men who are issued a restraining order violate it, due to the nature of the order. Usually, such orders issued against men are false and unnecessary, as was the case with me.
So, I'm arrested at this library. Had I not had the 2000 dollar cash only bond money on me at the time of this arrest, I would have gone to jail then. I defended myself in court the next month for this, and finally met the female prosecutor who had been trying to destroy me with my ex wife for two years.
The prosecutor immediately realized I'm not the man my ex wife illustrated me to be to her, and this prosecutor actually ended up defending me in court that day- getting me out of a mandatory jail sentence.
So, I spent the next few months living at the salvation army in St. Louis, with other homeless veterans, trying to recover from the pain of so many others ignoring me, and hating me.
These are people I cared about for a period spanning three decades. They passionately hate me now due to lies by my ex wife, and likely others.
They also hate me due to telling the truth about my ex wife, sharing this truth with many others.
My 13 year old daughter also hates me completely now, due to the lies of her mother, and others. I raised my daughter almost completely alone, for most of her childhood. Her mother never wanted to spend any time with her own daughter, which also pains me.
At least once a week for over two years, after her mother did this to me, I had wrote my daughter a letter, and mailed that to her with a card. Rarely did she ever respond to these letters I wrote her.
I mailed these letters to her to my ex in law's house, since I no longer know where my own daughter lives. So she received the letters I wrote to her, during this time. These letters I wrote to her were very warm and loving, and never mentioned her mother, or what happened to me, due to her mother.
So, I still had some money left over from my dad's life insurance policy, so every afternoon while staying at the salvation army in St. Louis, I would go to a nice restaurant, near where I was staying, and eat some good food, while reading a book in a relaxing atmosphere, speaking with attractive waitresses.
This was better therapy than anything the VA or any other could have offered me, as far as mental and emotional recovery goes. I got to feel civilized again, and I got to gather my thoughts, at these restaurants.
When you are homeless, and staying at a homeless shelter, living conditions suck. The people are understandably unhappy, if not angry, at such homeless shelters. Being around relatively happy people at these restaurants, and interacting with them, mended me greatly, I feel.
Due to relaxing at these restaurants, I was able to form a fantastic relationship with a girl I met online, during this time I was relaxing, at these places, due to my emotional and mental states recovering, finally.
This new and final love of my life actually drove a few hundred miles to finally meet me last fall. We had a weekend together that was unbelievably enjoyable, in St. Louis.
She is my fiancee now, this girl I met online.
At my visits to these restaurants, I would often hand write my fiancee a nice long letter, and mail it to her, with a card.
Because I have no one left back home in Missouri now, I recently moved to near where my fiancee lives, so I could continue to care for her. She lives with her mother, and she also had her life completely wrecked recently, my fiancee.
So I once again am staying with homeless veterans, near where she lives. Neither one of us has much if any money right now. Yet we still manage to see each other on weekends. When we do see each other, we spend our time together talking and laughing, for hours.
Both of us need each other in our lives, quite clearly. We both need and deserve the happiness we both now experience. It is my hope to get back on my feet soon, so I can care for my fiancee better than I can now.
The powers that brought us together, I hope, will also give me the ability to stabilize myself, so I can continue to love and care for my fiancee.
(More to follow, on how this relationship with my fiancee came to be...........)
I met this friend I stayed with in Indiana online, and he asked me to move up there with him, which I did in April, with a girl I met while living in Atlanta, who is homeless herself.
There is not much to do in rural Indiana, so I went to the library a lot, and wrote.
In July of last year, while living with this friend, I got a bunch of money, due to my father dying, and leaving me a life insurance policy for me, and it was over 11 thousand dollars.
To a homeless person, as I have been for over two years now, money like what I received is like a million dollars, at least. So, I bought a beat up truck that month, and drove back home to Missouri, after giving some money to my friends I stayed with in Indiana.
I had stayed with my friend in Indiana for three months, and helped him on his farm. I was ready to leave, and now was able to do so, with all this money I now had.
My life got crushed back home in Missouri. I had to move back there, to try and mend incredible damage done, due to the actions of my ex wife, combined with my own drug addiction, at the time my life was liquified, in the summer of 2009.
I went to drug rehab, soon after this happened to me in 2009, and I remain clean to this day.
Once I arrived back home, I sent a message to members of my own family, and family members of my ex wife, expressing my desire to mend relationships with those I love the most in life.
My own family members helped my ex wife destroy me after she initiated her attack on me, by the way.
I was never close with my family members due in part to child abuse I experienced, by certain family members, that was quite bad, and lasted for many years. I did forgive these family members, for helping my ex wife rid me of all assets I had, but they still choose not to speak with me, or help me in any way.
The next day, after sending this message to those I've cared about the most in life, they had me followed somehow, I believe, and I was arrested at a library, for an outstanding warrant, for violating probation in 2009. In 2009, I violated a restraining order issued against me by my ex wife, upon recommendation by a girl friend of hers, I believe, and was thrown in jail then, for the first time in my life.
I violated the restraining order by getting a pair of dress shoes from the back of my SUV, that my wife was now driving. She was not near the vehicle, yet this still violated the restraining order against me.
Most if not all men who are issued a restraining order violate it, due to the nature of the order. Usually, such orders issued against men are false and unnecessary, as was the case with me.
So, I'm arrested at this library. Had I not had the 2000 dollar cash only bond money on me at the time of this arrest, I would have gone to jail then. I defended myself in court the next month for this, and finally met the female prosecutor who had been trying to destroy me with my ex wife for two years.
The prosecutor immediately realized I'm not the man my ex wife illustrated me to be to her, and this prosecutor actually ended up defending me in court that day- getting me out of a mandatory jail sentence.
So, I spent the next few months living at the salvation army in St. Louis, with other homeless veterans, trying to recover from the pain of so many others ignoring me, and hating me.
These are people I cared about for a period spanning three decades. They passionately hate me now due to lies by my ex wife, and likely others.
They also hate me due to telling the truth about my ex wife, sharing this truth with many others.
My 13 year old daughter also hates me completely now, due to the lies of her mother, and others. I raised my daughter almost completely alone, for most of her childhood. Her mother never wanted to spend any time with her own daughter, which also pains me.
At least once a week for over two years, after her mother did this to me, I had wrote my daughter a letter, and mailed that to her with a card. Rarely did she ever respond to these letters I wrote her.
I mailed these letters to her to my ex in law's house, since I no longer know where my own daughter lives. So she received the letters I wrote to her, during this time. These letters I wrote to her were very warm and loving, and never mentioned her mother, or what happened to me, due to her mother.
So, I still had some money left over from my dad's life insurance policy, so every afternoon while staying at the salvation army in St. Louis, I would go to a nice restaurant, near where I was staying, and eat some good food, while reading a book in a relaxing atmosphere, speaking with attractive waitresses.
This was better therapy than anything the VA or any other could have offered me, as far as mental and emotional recovery goes. I got to feel civilized again, and I got to gather my thoughts, at these restaurants.
When you are homeless, and staying at a homeless shelter, living conditions suck. The people are understandably unhappy, if not angry, at such homeless shelters. Being around relatively happy people at these restaurants, and interacting with them, mended me greatly, I feel.
Due to relaxing at these restaurants, I was able to form a fantastic relationship with a girl I met online, during this time I was relaxing, at these places, due to my emotional and mental states recovering, finally.
This new and final love of my life actually drove a few hundred miles to finally meet me last fall. We had a weekend together that was unbelievably enjoyable, in St. Louis.
She is my fiancee now, this girl I met online.
At my visits to these restaurants, I would often hand write my fiancee a nice long letter, and mail it to her, with a card.
Because I have no one left back home in Missouri now, I recently moved to near where my fiancee lives, so I could continue to care for her. She lives with her mother, and she also had her life completely wrecked recently, my fiancee.
So I once again am staying with homeless veterans, near where she lives. Neither one of us has much if any money right now. Yet we still manage to see each other on weekends. When we do see each other, we spend our time together talking and laughing, for hours.
Both of us need each other in our lives, quite clearly. We both need and deserve the happiness we both now experience. It is my hope to get back on my feet soon, so I can care for my fiancee better than I can now.
The powers that brought us together, I hope, will also give me the ability to stabilize myself, so I can continue to love and care for my fiancee.
(More to follow, on how this relationship with my fiancee came to be...........)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
My Drug Addiction
My name is Dan Abshear, and I am a recovering drug addict.
My substance abuse began with alcohol intake, in my early teens. My mother used to insist me and my older teen brother, also a young teenager, party with her, by getting drunk with her.
My mother would give alcohol to us, and my older brother's many young teenage friends, often. This went on for years. My mother, by the way, should have gone to prision for this, as this is contributing to the delinquency of minors, which is a felony. But, thanks to lazy cops and apathetic neighbors, this never happened.
However,I blame myself for my alcohol addiction, and no other. Like many other recovering drug addicts, I have a very addictive personality. That personality contributed to my abuse of substances such as alcohol.
My drinking continued to be heavy until the age of 37 or so. It was then I broke my back, sleigh riding with my daughter. And it was then, a doctor prescribed me vicodin.
Vicodin is known as an opoid analgesic. Opiates have been abused and used by many, for thousands of years (http://redroom.com/member/dan-abshear/blog/the-euphoric-violet-delight). The effect vicodin had on me was amazing.
Because, at least in my case, vicodin not only takes care of physical pain, but emotional pain as well. The drug provided a much wanted and welcomed euphoria in my life.
For those of you who are familiar with the T.V. show, "House". This is what Dr. House abuses, throughout the show.
So, while on vicodin, I stopped drinking, and started exercising intensely. I was able to do this, because I was pain free on vicodin. In fact, I got in the best shape of my life, while I continuously consumed more and more vicodin.
But, within two years, I was a full blown opiate addict. My tolerance increased with that drug, rapidly, so it seemed. I was taking between 10 and 20 high dose tablets a day, at the height of my addiction to this drug.
And, the euphoria I initially experienced with vicodin also faded to the point where it was unnoticeable. But, I kept taking vicodin, because withdrawals were not welcome, when I did not have vicodin in my system.
So, in the year of 2004 now, and I'm at a doctor convention with work. For many years, I did pharmaceutical sales, for very large pharmaceutical corporations. I'm at work with a younger guy, who noticed the tiredness and boredom of myself, and a couple of others, at this convention. This younger guy had some adderall on him, and offered a tablet to me, and a couple of others at this meeting.
Adderall is basically long acting amphetamines, used to treat ADD and narcolepsy. I had heard of the drug before, but never chose to take it. But, since I was a vicodin addict at this point in my life, I thought I would give it a try, and took the adderall pill at that doctor convention.
The effects of adderall were amazing. That night, my mind was at maximum efficiency, I felt. I began to write, and I wrote all night. It was as if adderall awakened these dormant neurons in my brain. I absolutely loved this drug.
It also initially increased my sex drive. While I had a high sex drive already, adderall initially intensified my orgasms. That combined with what I preceived to be maximum cognitive efficiency, I had found a new drug to love.
As with vicodin, I began to increase my intake of adderall as tolerance developed, while high on this drug. Also, with my adderall use, I did not sleep. In time, I started to experience hallucinations.
So I went to my favorite doctor who had been prescribing vicodin and adderall to me, and asked him for some benzodiazapines, better known as tranquilizers.
Benzos, as they are called, work on the GABA inhibitors in the brain- the same area of the brain that is affected by alchohol intake. So while on benzos, not only did I sleep, but I felt like I was drunk on this drug, on this class of drugs, which I also ended up abusing aggressively, of course.
Memory loss was a problem at this point in my life, and benzos made my memory problems much worse.
I'd say, from the years 2006 to 2009, my life is a blur. I recall very little, during this period in my life. This is all do to my enormous drug intake, from these drugs in particular.
My lovely wife at the time wanted me high on drugs all the time. We had marital issues she did not want to address. While high on drugs, I did not address these rather significant issues in our marriage. Because while high on drugs, I stopped caring about anyone, or anything.
She wanted me that way, completely full of these drugs I ended up abusing so badly, so she would go to her own doctor, and get me these drugs I was addicted to quite badly. So, I was high all the time, the last 3 years of our marriage in particular. She finally ended our marriage, my wife at the time, in the year 2009, by falsely accusing me of violently abusing her.
The law was on her side, with her false accusations, because when she did falsely accuse me of violently abusing her, I was this unemployed drug addict. Little does the law know that when I was high on these drugs, I could barely move.
I became almost completely dysfuctional, as I existed with toxic levels of the drugs vicodin, adderal, and the benzodiazapine. So abusing anyone was almost impossible, due to my toxic state, with all of these drugs in my system, almost constantly.
I also became isolated. I did not socialize with live people often. I'd just hang out at my house all day, and pop pills. The last year of my drug addiction, I was not the father to my daughter, I had been the years before this one.
Of all the destruction that has happened in my life due to my drug addiction, failing my daughter as a father the last year I was with her, will pain me for the rest of my life.
When my drug addiction finally ended, I was abusing vicodin, adderall, and a benzodiazapine, washing those pills down with about a case of beer a day. I re-acquired my alcohol intake, when vicodin stopped working for me. I was a complete train wreck, when I stopped abusing drugs, and I was also impotent, at times.
I entered drug rehab in the Spring of 2010, and I've never been compelled to use again. I was well aware I was a drug addict, when I was using these drugs Ive mentioned to you. But, I reached a point during my drug addiction where I was afraid I'd never be able to stop taking these drugs.
My addiction to them was that intense. I thought I'd be a full blown drug addict for the rest of my life. So once I stopped abusing these drugs, I never wanted to take them, ever again. And I don't miss the high from these drugs, either. I get high from other things in life now, instead of poisioning myself.
My health is remarkably well, considering what I abused for so long. There is no physical damage, from these drugs I took. Any damage I did to my brain from these drugs has been repaired, I believe.
Adderall, Vicodin, alcohol, and whatever benzodiazapine I could get my hands on- I don't miss you one bit. My experience with you was enjoyable and regrettable at the same time. You made me more aware, but you also almost kiiled me. You should not exist, but you do, and that saddens me, because that means you are harming many others now. It is my hope you are not used, by anyone, ever.
My substance abuse began with alcohol intake, in my early teens. My mother used to insist me and my older teen brother, also a young teenager, party with her, by getting drunk with her.
My mother would give alcohol to us, and my older brother's many young teenage friends, often. This went on for years. My mother, by the way, should have gone to prision for this, as this is contributing to the delinquency of minors, which is a felony. But, thanks to lazy cops and apathetic neighbors, this never happened.
However,I blame myself for my alcohol addiction, and no other. Like many other recovering drug addicts, I have a very addictive personality. That personality contributed to my abuse of substances such as alcohol.
My drinking continued to be heavy until the age of 37 or so. It was then I broke my back, sleigh riding with my daughter. And it was then, a doctor prescribed me vicodin.
Vicodin is known as an opoid analgesic. Opiates have been abused and used by many, for thousands of years (http://redroom.com/member/dan-abshear/blog/the-euphoric-violet-delight). The effect vicodin had on me was amazing.
Because, at least in my case, vicodin not only takes care of physical pain, but emotional pain as well. The drug provided a much wanted and welcomed euphoria in my life.
For those of you who are familiar with the T.V. show, "House". This is what Dr. House abuses, throughout the show.
So, while on vicodin, I stopped drinking, and started exercising intensely. I was able to do this, because I was pain free on vicodin. In fact, I got in the best shape of my life, while I continuously consumed more and more vicodin.
But, within two years, I was a full blown opiate addict. My tolerance increased with that drug, rapidly, so it seemed. I was taking between 10 and 20 high dose tablets a day, at the height of my addiction to this drug.
And, the euphoria I initially experienced with vicodin also faded to the point where it was unnoticeable. But, I kept taking vicodin, because withdrawals were not welcome, when I did not have vicodin in my system.
So, in the year of 2004 now, and I'm at a doctor convention with work. For many years, I did pharmaceutical sales, for very large pharmaceutical corporations. I'm at work with a younger guy, who noticed the tiredness and boredom of myself, and a couple of others, at this convention. This younger guy had some adderall on him, and offered a tablet to me, and a couple of others at this meeting.
Adderall is basically long acting amphetamines, used to treat ADD and narcolepsy. I had heard of the drug before, but never chose to take it. But, since I was a vicodin addict at this point in my life, I thought I would give it a try, and took the adderall pill at that doctor convention.
The effects of adderall were amazing. That night, my mind was at maximum efficiency, I felt. I began to write, and I wrote all night. It was as if adderall awakened these dormant neurons in my brain. I absolutely loved this drug.
It also initially increased my sex drive. While I had a high sex drive already, adderall initially intensified my orgasms. That combined with what I preceived to be maximum cognitive efficiency, I had found a new drug to love.
As with vicodin, I began to increase my intake of adderall as tolerance developed, while high on this drug. Also, with my adderall use, I did not sleep. In time, I started to experience hallucinations.
So I went to my favorite doctor who had been prescribing vicodin and adderall to me, and asked him for some benzodiazapines, better known as tranquilizers.
Benzos, as they are called, work on the GABA inhibitors in the brain- the same area of the brain that is affected by alchohol intake. So while on benzos, not only did I sleep, but I felt like I was drunk on this drug, on this class of drugs, which I also ended up abusing aggressively, of course.
Memory loss was a problem at this point in my life, and benzos made my memory problems much worse.
I'd say, from the years 2006 to 2009, my life is a blur. I recall very little, during this period in my life. This is all do to my enormous drug intake, from these drugs in particular.
My lovely wife at the time wanted me high on drugs all the time. We had marital issues she did not want to address. While high on drugs, I did not address these rather significant issues in our marriage. Because while high on drugs, I stopped caring about anyone, or anything.
She wanted me that way, completely full of these drugs I ended up abusing so badly, so she would go to her own doctor, and get me these drugs I was addicted to quite badly. So, I was high all the time, the last 3 years of our marriage in particular. She finally ended our marriage, my wife at the time, in the year 2009, by falsely accusing me of violently abusing her.
The law was on her side, with her false accusations, because when she did falsely accuse me of violently abusing her, I was this unemployed drug addict. Little does the law know that when I was high on these drugs, I could barely move.
I became almost completely dysfuctional, as I existed with toxic levels of the drugs vicodin, adderal, and the benzodiazapine. So abusing anyone was almost impossible, due to my toxic state, with all of these drugs in my system, almost constantly.
I also became isolated. I did not socialize with live people often. I'd just hang out at my house all day, and pop pills. The last year of my drug addiction, I was not the father to my daughter, I had been the years before this one.
Of all the destruction that has happened in my life due to my drug addiction, failing my daughter as a father the last year I was with her, will pain me for the rest of my life.
When my drug addiction finally ended, I was abusing vicodin, adderall, and a benzodiazapine, washing those pills down with about a case of beer a day. I re-acquired my alcohol intake, when vicodin stopped working for me. I was a complete train wreck, when I stopped abusing drugs, and I was also impotent, at times.
I entered drug rehab in the Spring of 2010, and I've never been compelled to use again. I was well aware I was a drug addict, when I was using these drugs Ive mentioned to you. But, I reached a point during my drug addiction where I was afraid I'd never be able to stop taking these drugs.
My addiction to them was that intense. I thought I'd be a full blown drug addict for the rest of my life. So once I stopped abusing these drugs, I never wanted to take them, ever again. And I don't miss the high from these drugs, either. I get high from other things in life now, instead of poisioning myself.
My health is remarkably well, considering what I abused for so long. There is no physical damage, from these drugs I took. Any damage I did to my brain from these drugs has been repaired, I believe.
Adderall, Vicodin, alcohol, and whatever benzodiazapine I could get my hands on- I don't miss you one bit. My experience with you was enjoyable and regrettable at the same time. You made me more aware, but you also almost kiiled me. You should not exist, but you do, and that saddens me, because that means you are harming many others now. It is my hope you are not used, by anyone, ever.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A Very Angry Email From My Daughter, Hayley
As some know, over two years ago, my then wife filed a restraining order against me, falsely accusing me of physically abusing her. As a result of her lie, I not only lost everything, but anyone I felt close to, at the time.
The day after she filed this restraining order against me, she moved in with a desired lesbian lover, who also falsely accused her own husband at the time of physically abusing her some years ago.
I remain homeless, and presently live with other homeless veterans.
Out of all that I lost due to this lie by the ex wife, my greatest loss has been that of my daughter Hayley. Predictably, our relationship has become progressively fractured, since her mother decided to try and destroy me, with a small army of like minded women she recruited for that purpose.
In the two years that followed the eviction from my own home, I have hand wrote my daughter once a week. Rarely did she ever write me back. I have Hayley's email, but I do not have her phone number, nor does she wish to share that information with me.
During the past two years, I have wrote articles, describing not only what has happened in my life, but also about the true nature and disposition of my ex wife. These articles were widely read, and received a lot of criticism.
Some believed the content i composed in these articles were full of lies. Others praised me for my bravery, for sharing my pain with the world.
Out of desperation, I decided to finally share these articles with my daughter via email. I asked her to email me back, and this is what she wrote me.....
I'm conceerned about her anger and use of foul language, but I'm also impressed with her overall vocabulary.
The lies she has been told by her mother and others are quite obvious, with what she wrote me. While painful, this did not shock me as much as you would expect. This is parental alienation at it's finest, folks. It is my hope Hayley will re-acquire a relationship with me, when she is older:
You want an email? Fine. Ill give you an email.
Stop acting like YOUR the victim here. Your not. If you are looking for a reason why your family is so fucked up I'm sure there's a mirrior somewhere. You send me links to your blog about your girlfriend, and how mom is a lesbian and how you were blamed for molestation when I was younger.
You know what? You know what that means? It means I'm not your daughter. I'm just another person who reads your blogs. Another one of your pathetic audience you try and obligate to pity you.
You send me pictures and your stupid ass love letters from you to carol and carol to you but frankly I don't care. Not one bit. If your going to contact me, have some decency to at least ACT like you care about me.
I'm not stupid and I know your only trying to get to mom through me. Don't you know how much that hurts? Your ruining my life. I sat on the bus the other day, on the way home CRYING because I sat there and read an article you sent me.
Every single one, actually. And it sickens me to the core. We may have established a father daughter relationship but that's over. I want no more. When I get an email from you, I wanna hear about how much you miss me and wish you could see me.
Not about your heaps of LIES you tell to get sympathy from every fucking person who absentmindedly reads your articles. Unfortunetly, I'm one of those people. However, other than the others,
I know EXACTLY what your talking about and I know just as well as you do that its all BULLSHIT. Every. Single. Thing I have sent to you has been from me. And if you won't believe that, then writing to you is POINTLESS.
I obviously haven't, and I'm not going to. I could go for hours about this but its a waste of my time. Metaphoricly speaking, Your not the victim. Your the murderer. And I hope that all your little friends know damn well that's true.
Oh, and for the record, this is Hayley. Not mom. If you want me to prove it to you then fine. But I'm sick of getting hurt by you. Your supposed to be MY father, however, mom's boyfriend, is more of a father to me than you EVER were. Goodbye. I'm done with you.
-Hayley
The day after she filed this restraining order against me, she moved in with a desired lesbian lover, who also falsely accused her own husband at the time of physically abusing her some years ago.
I remain homeless, and presently live with other homeless veterans.
Out of all that I lost due to this lie by the ex wife, my greatest loss has been that of my daughter Hayley. Predictably, our relationship has become progressively fractured, since her mother decided to try and destroy me, with a small army of like minded women she recruited for that purpose.
In the two years that followed the eviction from my own home, I have hand wrote my daughter once a week. Rarely did she ever write me back. I have Hayley's email, but I do not have her phone number, nor does she wish to share that information with me.
During the past two years, I have wrote articles, describing not only what has happened in my life, but also about the true nature and disposition of my ex wife. These articles were widely read, and received a lot of criticism.
Some believed the content i composed in these articles were full of lies. Others praised me for my bravery, for sharing my pain with the world.
Out of desperation, I decided to finally share these articles with my daughter via email. I asked her to email me back, and this is what she wrote me.....
I'm conceerned about her anger and use of foul language, but I'm also impressed with her overall vocabulary.
The lies she has been told by her mother and others are quite obvious, with what she wrote me. While painful, this did not shock me as much as you would expect. This is parental alienation at it's finest, folks. It is my hope Hayley will re-acquire a relationship with me, when she is older:
You want an email? Fine. Ill give you an email.
Stop acting like YOUR the victim here. Your not. If you are looking for a reason why your family is so fucked up I'm sure there's a mirrior somewhere. You send me links to your blog about your girlfriend, and how mom is a lesbian and how you were blamed for molestation when I was younger.
You know what? You know what that means? It means I'm not your daughter. I'm just another person who reads your blogs. Another one of your pathetic audience you try and obligate to pity you.
You send me pictures and your stupid ass love letters from you to carol and carol to you but frankly I don't care. Not one bit. If your going to contact me, have some decency to at least ACT like you care about me.
I'm not stupid and I know your only trying to get to mom through me. Don't you know how much that hurts? Your ruining my life. I sat on the bus the other day, on the way home CRYING because I sat there and read an article you sent me.
Every single one, actually. And it sickens me to the core. We may have established a father daughter relationship but that's over. I want no more. When I get an email from you, I wanna hear about how much you miss me and wish you could see me.
Not about your heaps of LIES you tell to get sympathy from every fucking person who absentmindedly reads your articles. Unfortunetly, I'm one of those people. However, other than the others,
I know EXACTLY what your talking about and I know just as well as you do that its all BULLSHIT. Every. Single. Thing I have sent to you has been from me. And if you won't believe that, then writing to you is POINTLESS.
I obviously haven't, and I'm not going to. I could go for hours about this but its a waste of my time. Metaphoricly speaking, Your not the victim. Your the murderer. And I hope that all your little friends know damn well that's true.
Oh, and for the record, this is Hayley. Not mom. If you want me to prove it to you then fine. But I'm sick of getting hurt by you. Your supposed to be MY father, however, mom's boyfriend, is more of a father to me than you EVER were. Goodbye. I'm done with you.
-Hayley
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Value Of A Handwritten Note XII
Hi Baby,
Right now, I'm enjoying a cheap beer at the Fountain on Locust. This is a very comfortable place for me to be. There are a few people here, enjoying their afternoon. They appear to be mostly middle class people here right now. I use to be middle class, not long ago.
I'm wearing my sport coat right now. So, I look like I'm now middle class myself. I'm intentionally deceiving people, so they do not suspect I am in fact homeless. There are a couple of light skinned and attractive black girls here. My black friends call such light skinned black girls, 'red bones'.
They are waitresses here, and they both have very nice smiles. My chef salad for lunch earlier today was not bad. I feel I will lose some excess weight, once I am living in Milwaukee. I've never been this heavy in my life. My friend Patrick is in jail right now.
You may recall, Patrick is my older white friend at the salvation army, who is out of control. he still uses drugs, even though he is suppose to be doing drug rehab, with the rest of us. Patrick finally got kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
He got kicked out for breaking curfew here, and getting busted for using drugs. So during the night last night, he showed up at the salvation army, high on drugs, trying to get his stuff here, he did not take with him, when he was kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
Apparently, he got into a fight with security people there, and they called the police. He'll likely be in jail for a month or more. When I was in jail over 2 years ago, my cell mate was in jail for assault, and he did about a month there in jail.
The last long bus trip I took, was when I went to Atlanta, over 2 years ago. During that trip, I wrote my daughter Hayley a long letter, that is published on my blog. I also met a few interesting people, on that bus trip. Each of us are on our own unique journey in life.
So I find people interesting, for that reason. Also, I feel that sometime, I will write about community living, which is how I live now. I live with some very unusual people in this type of setting, and I also live with some very intelligent people right now.
During my time at the salvation army, I've become friends with those who initially did not seem to like me, for whatever reason. Kenny, I think I'll miss him the most. he is the older intelligent black friend I have at the salvation army, who watches movies when I'm on the computer there.
We find each other interesting, so we talk often- mainly about human nature. Also, I've decided that I will write a book, the next time I'm in jail. I will journal what I experience and notice, while in jail. The last time I was in jail, I mainly wrote letters to Jacki, who became my girlfriend in Atlanta.
Those letters I wrote to her are on my blog, and largely reflect my state of mind, at that time. I feel I am more stable now, so the next time I write while in jail, I'll be more objective. I'm glad I'm able to help quite a few people with writing letters and resumes, where I stay now.
And I find it shocking how many people older than me lack the skills to read and write. I find such skills essential to progress in life, yet they have made it this far without those skills. I'm done writing to you in this magical notebook now. I hope you are enjoying your time with Carolyn, and you will be with me very soon.
Right now, I'm enjoying a cheap beer at the Fountain on Locust. This is a very comfortable place for me to be. There are a few people here, enjoying their afternoon. They appear to be mostly middle class people here right now. I use to be middle class, not long ago.
I'm wearing my sport coat right now. So, I look like I'm now middle class myself. I'm intentionally deceiving people, so they do not suspect I am in fact homeless. There are a couple of light skinned and attractive black girls here. My black friends call such light skinned black girls, 'red bones'.
They are waitresses here, and they both have very nice smiles. My chef salad for lunch earlier today was not bad. I feel I will lose some excess weight, once I am living in Milwaukee. I've never been this heavy in my life. My friend Patrick is in jail right now.
You may recall, Patrick is my older white friend at the salvation army, who is out of control. he still uses drugs, even though he is suppose to be doing drug rehab, with the rest of us. Patrick finally got kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
He got kicked out for breaking curfew here, and getting busted for using drugs. So during the night last night, he showed up at the salvation army, high on drugs, trying to get his stuff here, he did not take with him, when he was kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
Apparently, he got into a fight with security people there, and they called the police. He'll likely be in jail for a month or more. When I was in jail over 2 years ago, my cell mate was in jail for assault, and he did about a month there in jail.
The last long bus trip I took, was when I went to Atlanta, over 2 years ago. During that trip, I wrote my daughter Hayley a long letter, that is published on my blog. I also met a few interesting people, on that bus trip. Each of us are on our own unique journey in life.
So I find people interesting, for that reason. Also, I feel that sometime, I will write about community living, which is how I live now. I live with some very unusual people in this type of setting, and I also live with some very intelligent people right now.
During my time at the salvation army, I've become friends with those who initially did not seem to like me, for whatever reason. Kenny, I think I'll miss him the most. he is the older intelligent black friend I have at the salvation army, who watches movies when I'm on the computer there.
We find each other interesting, so we talk often- mainly about human nature. Also, I've decided that I will write a book, the next time I'm in jail. I will journal what I experience and notice, while in jail. The last time I was in jail, I mainly wrote letters to Jacki, who became my girlfriend in Atlanta.
Those letters I wrote to her are on my blog, and largely reflect my state of mind, at that time. I feel I am more stable now, so the next time I write while in jail, I'll be more objective. I'm glad I'm able to help quite a few people with writing letters and resumes, where I stay now.
And I find it shocking how many people older than me lack the skills to read and write. I find such skills essential to progress in life, yet they have made it this far without those skills. I'm done writing to you in this magical notebook now. I hope you are enjoying your time with Carolyn, and you will be with me very soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)